Teen kicked out of the house - normal in America

[Jaga]

Guys,

I do not want to provoke a nasty discussion. But this is not the first time I see differences in the culture between America and Poland. I like reading letters to Abby - which are published in many newspapers because they give me the idea how differently people react depending on their culture.

Frankly, I cannot imagine a similar situation in Poland unless the family is disfunctioned. I do not want to say that everybody in America would do the same, but... it seems that here this is treated more normal than in Poland.

here is a letter:

Dear Abby: Teen can become independent
By Jeanne Phillips
Universal Press Syndicate
Tucson, Arizona | Published: 07.12.2007

DEAR ABBY: I need your help. Last week, my mother and I got into a huge fight, with her screaming at me, "I don't want you living here ever again!" I ran into my room in tears, hoping she didn't really mean what she said.
Yesterday, she put a 30-day notice on my door, telling me to move out. I'm 19, so it's probably legal for her to do this to me, but I don't want to go. I have very little money, no skills, no job, no license and no car.
I'm not ready to live on my own yet, and I resent her thinking that I can.
I have tried talking to her about this. All she said was, "I don't care what you do with your life. Just get out." I feel like an orphan. What should I do? ¡ª Terrified in Santa Rosa
DEAR TERRIFIED: It would have been helpful if you had mentioned what precipitated the "huge fight" that caused your mother to order you out. It might have given me an insight into her mental state. But because her mind seems to be made up, you must immediately talk to a counselor at school about student housing and employment that might be available.
You will make it through this difficult time. You are not the only young person who has, by unfortunate circumstances, been forced to stand on her own two feet at a moment's notice.
¡ñ

[Jaga]

no any comments?

[bescheid]

Jaga

I have not responded for as I am not sure what should be said. I think the {Dear Abby is a news print columnist dealing in," Human Relations"} The young lady in question {age 19 years} has a sound of a very deeply immature person and wishes only to express as a complaint a one side only story. To add to this, also contains the sound as of the young complainant, with the wish to use the Dear Abby columnist as a hammer to hold over her mother.

Other wise, I am not sure if this is a generalized culture situation as being part and partial to the average American Household.

As a person, I am not sure where the red line is on this. But, at the age of 19 years, it would appear in a logical manner, she is at an age to strike out on her own and find employment.

Charles

[scatts]

I left home at 19, although this was because I wanted to. No problems , I was just ready to leave the nest.

I think one problem you have with this, Jaga, is the difference between USA, UK even, and Poland when it comes to how long kids stay at home. It seems to me that in general in Poland kids stay at home far far longer than they do in USA/UK. There are often economical reasons for this and of course there is the issue of (too many?) years of studying but whatever the reason, most Poles leave home when they are late 20's, about 10 years later than US/UK.

This makes this story seem worse to you, perhaps, than it is.

On the story itself. I don't like agony aunts and it's impossible to comment on such limited information.

[rdywenur]

I think Charles' response was very harsh. I do not see how he came to the conclusion that this teen was immature. We don't know the whole story of what transpired to cause this explosion. I do have a problem with what the mom said to teen. I don' think anyone should speak that way to their kids. So now this kid will be out on the streets just an easy target. You know there are many parents that have no right to be parents....why is it always the childs fault.

[Bob S]

As Charles said, "this is a one sided version of the story". Now let me give you my example. When I left my parents home at the age of 19. My mother presented me with with a dinner plate, on the plate was her apron strings. The unsaid meaning was that I was now on my own but I could always come back for help or advice. In my day, age 19 was about the time that you left the nest and made your own way in the world. The time from babyhood to young adulthood was a time to learn that life and the world can be very harsh. I may be reading something into that letter but I bet that the young lady contributed very little to the home. How many of the bills did she pay? How much of the groceries did she buy? How much of the daily worries did she bear?
If the youngster has no skills, than that is her fault and the school systems fault. I'll bet that the young lady has a lot of "self esteem" but, that will not buy one cup of coffee or pay the bills.
Jaga. 19 years old is a good age to leave the nest. It is the age where you can get knocked down and pick yourself up, it is the age where where you can take bruises and cuts yet still smile. Go on! meet the world, take your lumps and bruises, take some kicks and losses. Keep in mind that with all the bad things there will be moments of happiness. Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

The man said to the World "I exist!"; the World replied "and of what concern is that to me?"
;D

[Jaga]

bescheid said:

Jaga

I have not responded for as I am not sure what should be said. I think the {Dear Abby is a news print columnist dealing in," Human Relations"} The young lady in question {age 19 years} has a sound of a very deeply immature person and wishes only to express as a complaint a one side only story. To add to this, also contains the sound as of the young complainant, with the wish to use the Dear Abby columnist as a hammer to hold over her mother.

Charles

Charles,

I think similarly to Chris. I was rather symphatetic to a young lady. What mother would kick out its young daughter out of the house? It this happened to me when I was 19 I would have no idea where to go and i will feel abandoned.

[Jaga]

Ion,

I agree that there are some cultural differences between Poland and the US and other countries. In some sense the children have more freedom until the certain age in Poland, they walk alone, they use public transportation system. On the other hand they are probably not that mature as other youngsters in other countries to start life on their own, also economy and apartments availability is not that good.

But, the problem of this girl is just that her mother is kicking her out of the house and she does not know what to do with herself!

[Jaga]

Bob,

the same happened to my father in law in Texas. He had to leave the house when he was 18. But I would not do the same to Ela

[rdywenur]

I left home and was married at 19 also. But back then those were different times. Today at 19 most kids should be in college continuing their educations. In todays world do you realistically expect any teen to be out on their own. You expect a child to be on the streets at 19 yet legally he can not vote or drink till he is 21. Yet it is okay if they go out and kill for their country before then. One minute you tell him he is and adult and the other minute he is not. If you take on the responsibility of having a child it is your job as a parent to raise them and advise them so they have the proper tools for when it is time to leave the nest. How many actually do that.

[bescheid]

This is become a very interesting subject in human relations. And this is exactly the nature of family. It is about love, marriage, trust and having children.

As with people and life experiences, each is individual with certain parallels, but not to be exact. For with human relations, variation will occur by the onslaught of out side influences, mood swings, emotional status induced by variable factors in {health, stress, environmental conditions, economic situation and what ever}.

To internalize as a comparison of others versus our own, is not subjective. For there is no comparison, only a possible parallel, and that would be conjecture, with out basis.

On the surface, we as people, are judgmental and tend to base our feelings, attitudes on personal experiences with this, our intrinsic feelings. In recognition of this human frailty, we often fail to properly conduct an analysis of a given situation as that which has occurred with the young lady in question.

Perhaps I am the person with out a heart or feelings, perhaps my inheritance of cruelty and meanness has clouded my judgment in human relations, I do not believe so.

Even though we are of three different people, Polish, German, American, with our vastly different personal life experiences. Still, we carry with us a parallel intrinsic loyalty of family.

What I do carry is experience {very unwanted} in new employee interviewing {authentication} as the last office of interview {the people are for the most part, hired} I simply authenticated them as the actual person applying for the work. This would entail confirmation of their identification and qualifications, a local and Federal want and record check, including Interpol. With this is: fingerprinting {on scan-com, photograph} {close up facial, profile and standing frontal}Standard roll print card completion with full finger roll print/hand chop print, front 4 finger lay print, full palm print. Then compare with initial finger print computer scan. Always {almost} when placed above the other, the finger print scan/card will show a perfect match. One did not as follows below.

Caught was a perfect twin on the computer/ink finger print card {ident-file}. The 1st twin completed the new employee process, but was not aware of the last {authentication} process of my office. Then, his twin brother arrived in his place for acceptance following a letter offer and was very surprised. He was further surprised when I called security for escort out of the secure building and placed under arrest by the called Polizei.

What has this to do with the subject at hand? Nothing. The point is: We may not properly analyze a human relationship based upon personal emotional experience, and realize truth.

Of the terms I have above used, some are German, whilst remainder are translated as best, into English.

Charles

[george]

I left the house when i was drafted at age 19. When i did my 2 years of duty i came home. I was 21 when my father threatened to kick me out of the house because i didnt want to go to church one Sunday. I left the house two weeks later. Never did regret it. Polish kids do stick around a lot longer. I suppose it has to do financially more than anything else. I think in at least some cases it is best here. Jaga, i agree that this Dear Abby miother was wrong......P.S. Dear Abby is still around??? The old goat has to be in her nineties! Can she relate to this day in age?

[Bob S]

George! The Abby in "Dear Abby" died a few years back so this may be an old rehashed letter.
Jaga! I know what you are4 saying but one day your daughter may leave home to go to college but that is still a long way off. As regards the letter: This was a one sided explanation AND we don't know if the argument was a full blown hurricane or just "A Tempest In A Teapot".
Cruel? no! Expediant? perhaps!
;D

[Jaga]

Guys,

I think that the label "Abby" stays, this letter is a new one, you can check the original post.

I think you guys (men) are a bit harsh, we (women) tend to give kids more time to grow up. I know that the times are different now...

[bescheid]

A little researched cleared up my confusion of "Dear Abby" columnist. An excellent idea for people young and old to ascribe to in matters of the heart and human relations.

Perhaps we fellows are harsh or discriminating in details. How ever the situation. This is not in my opinion a cultural situation that is strictly an American family situation. But, shared equally well in Germany. I had grown up in Dänemark and Germany, and those were far different days then the present. But, what is not different is the world of young people adjusting to. To try to place them selves as an identity in a world that is both filled with wonders and confusion. With at times, attempting to understand double standards of conduct and opinion.

Conflicts of advice they {children seek} for some blue print of behaviour in the at times complicated social situation, with out being questioned.

It is a difficult world to grown into with out conflict with their parents in matters of stress. For in later youth days, the children are young adults with the matching height of their parents, but burdened with their youth, they feel this conflict, but lack the ability to express their feelings and needs.

Some how by a miracle, we all seem to survive somehow.

Charles