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Post by justjohn on Sept 3, 2007 6:00:58 GMT -7
  A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? " "Is your daddy home?" he asked. " Yes ," whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?" The child whispered, " No " Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes " "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" " Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" " No, he's busy ", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" " Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" " A helicopter " answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ." Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."
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Post by kaima on Sept 23, 2007 19:49:43 GMT -7
This must be the same kid when he grew up ...
A cowboy from Texas goes off to college, but half way through the
semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing!
They actually have a program here in Dallas that will teach our dog, Ol'
Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him
in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy
calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach
the animals how to read!"
"Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just se nd $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives.
But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find
out the dog can neither her talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back
in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around
with that little redhead who lives in town?' "
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that darn dog before he talks
to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
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Post by justjohn on Sept 25, 2007 7:58:17 GMT -7
 A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation because no one wants him to leave. . Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" .The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds. .Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!" .There are more sighs and loud applause. . Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!" .There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing asks her, "Mrs. Jones,whatever possessed you to say that?" .Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Screw the Preacher!"
Never underestimate what kids know these days. The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. A few moments passed. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike." A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving." "Jason is on his skate board." A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex." Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."
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Post by hollister on Sept 25, 2007 16:40:39 GMT -7
Do you want me to post a picture of our son?
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Post by kaima on Sept 25, 2007 17:51:37 GMT -7
Do you want me to post a picture of our son? Is he enough to make you drink?? |
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Post by kaima on Oct 3, 2007 20:35:28 GMT -7
Subject: IT ON YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE IT TELLS IT ALL
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a
play Date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the
mother Replied.
"It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says,
"those are personal questions and are really none of your
Business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a
Divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to
Play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl
says to Her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her
Drivers license.
It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
"I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks,
"How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,
"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
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Post by Jaga on Oct 3, 2007 22:24:43 GMT -7
Subject: IT ON YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE IT TELLS IT ALL "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an F in sex." Kai, I had a good laugh ;D ;D ;D |
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Post by kaima on Oct 4, 2007 13:22:13 GMT -7
... fathers don't have it easy either !!! www.ffk-wilkinson.com/(my cousin had to cross wooden spoons with his 5 year old boy years ago ... (a play on words as in "crossing swords")) |
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Post by justjohn on Oct 5, 2007 4:43:41 GMT -7
;D Let the Children Set You FreeChildren's Answers If you need a laugh, read through these Children's Science Exam Answers. These are real answers given by children. Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow. Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U. Q: What is the fibula? A: A small lie. Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby. Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section" A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome. Q: What does the word "benign" mean?' A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.  |
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Post by kaima on Oct 19, 2007 22:00:12 GMT -7
This grammar lesson is dedicated to Rdy since we just finished discussing mis-use (or mis-typing) fo the English lesson.
Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another year!"
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123."
He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life, just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition .
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Post by justjohn on Oct 20, 2007 5:10:28 GMT -7
Kai,
That is a good one !!!!
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Post by rdywenur on Oct 20, 2007 6:22:47 GMT -7
Thanks Kai....I never had anything dedicated to me before. (can you still teach an old dog new tricks. I can only roll over and play DEAD) ;D
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jeanne
Cosmopolitan
Posts: 544
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Post by jeanne on Oct 20, 2007 17:54:16 GMT -7
A woman named Mary Clay called her priest and told him her husband had passed away the night before.
"Mary, I'm so sorry to hear that," said the priest, "did he leave a last request?"
"Yes, Father, he did," she answered, "he said, 'Mary, put down the gun.'"
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Post by kaima on Oct 20, 2007 21:27:02 GMT -7
Ah jeanne, good one! I must have heard the story of her sister and brother in law.
The husband came home late one night after partying and booze and girls, and his wife greeted him:
"Darling, I missed you!"
... and then she shot again.
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jeanne
Cosmopolitan
Posts: 544
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Post by jeanne on Oct 21, 2007 16:17:54 GMT -7
Kai,
Likewise a good one!
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