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Post by gentleman on Apr 24, 2017 14:18:52 GMT -7
Hello,
Need some help from the forum.
I have been dating a Polish woman for 18 months. We both live in Sweden. During that time, I have always paid for all restaurants, for the travel, driving her home, her wine etc. I have also prepared food for her at my place maybe 50 times. During that same period, she has not offered to pay even once, and she has never cooked for me or done any other domestic work (we live separately). And if I indicate she should pay once, she will get very angry and say that in Poland men pay for everything. I have taken her traveling abroad several times. Every time, I have paid for all the tickets and hotels, rental cars etc. Once I suggested we should share the food bill (she tends to order expensive wine), but she got again very angry. Last month, I took her to a trip to the Caribbean. I paid for the ticket of course. But then she wanted to change her ticket, and that costed an extra 500 USD. I suggested it would be fair if she paid for that, but again she got very angry and said this is not gentleman like, and argues that in Poland men should pay for everything. Is this really true? In Sweden, it is normal that both parties contribute. And some polish friends have told me although it is normal in the beginning that the men pays for most things, gradually, it is expected that both contribute. I make maybe 3-4 times more than her, and have suggested that for future trips, maybe I pay 2/3 and she pay 1/3, but she gets angry by such suggestions. Her main argument is always that this is not the practice in Poland. It should be said, she is quite pretty and sexy, and maybe she thinks because of that, I am obliged to pay everything. For me, this has to do with justice, and feeling that both are contributing. We both have higher education. I have a managerial job, while she currently works in sales, but makes significantly less.
I would be happy to get some feed-back on this from both Polish men and women. What is the best way to handle the situation?
Thank you
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Post by Jaga on Apr 24, 2017 21:24:43 GMT -7
Hello gentleman,
Yes, this is true, that the man pays for food or movie ticket for a woman in Poland. But these are small expenses considering to the situation you describe.
What you talk about is an aberration. The girl uses you since you let her, or treats you like a sugar daddy. I guess, my solution is to clarify your relationship. If you are serious in a relationship with this girl, before the travel, state the conditions, 1/3 of regular travel expenses (since she earns less) + her portion of food expenses, she pays for extra luxury stuff like wine etc... otherwise you just don't go, since you cannot afford it or you feel that she uses you. If she really wants to be in a relationship with you she would accept if, if she treats you like a sugar daddy, this is just a lesson for you.
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Post by Eric on Apr 24, 2017 23:08:02 GMT -7
I agree with Jaga. At the beginning of a relationship, if you want to be a gallant gentleman, then you can make the decision to pay for all expenses in your relationship. But after two years of you paying 100% of the costs of your relationship, and this sounds like these are not small costs at all, then you've reached a point where you must examine things closely. After all, two years is no longer the "getting to know you" phase of the relationship, nor is it the "always being on your best manners" phase. The two of you should know each other extremely well by now, and the conditions of your relationship should also be clearly expressed, though it sounds like perhaps this isn't the case.
If, after two years, your girlfriend still insists that you pay for absolutely everything, including rather large expenses that are entirely at her whim, then it sounds like her expectation will ALWAYS be that you pay for everything and she simply comes along for the ride at your expense. Just from your description, it sounds to me like she's more interested in dating your bank account than you. I'm worried that if you not even cut off, but merely decrease, her access to your funds, she will simply look elsewhere for, as Jaga put it, a new "sugar daddy" to pay for her every, and expensive, whim.
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Post by gentleman on Apr 25, 2017 9:33:24 GMT -7
Thank you for your responses. This was more or less what I expected and in line with my own judgement. I also thought in the beginning it is right to pay for restaurant, movies etc. But - we are now talking about large expenses (e.g. travel), and still after almost 2 years she insists the man should pay for everything. Well, if she starts looking elsewhere, because of less funding from my side, I guess I found out she just wanted a sugar daddy, and I will be better off without. I have told her my expectations on this topic quite clearly. But since she keeps referring to "Polish culture" as her excuse, I thought it may be wise to ask in this forum. Thank you.
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Post by gentleman on Apr 25, 2017 9:47:10 GMT -7
I agree with Jaga. At the beginning of a relationship, if you want to be a gallant gentleman, then you can make the decision to pay for all expenses in your relationship. But after two years of you paying 100% of the costs of your relationship, and this sounds like these are not small costs at all, then you've reached a point where you must examine things closely. After all, two years is no longer the "getting to know you" phase of the relationship, nor is it the "always being on your best manners" phase. The two of you should know each other extremely well by now, and the conditions of your relationship should also be clearly expressed, though it sounds like perhaps this isn't the case. If, after two years, your girlfriend still insists that you pay for absolutely everything, including rather large expenses that are entirely at her whim, then it sounds like her expectation will ALWAYS be that you pay for everything and she simply comes along for the ride at your expense. Just from your description, it sounds to me like she's more interested in dating your bank account than you. I'm worried that if you not even cut off, but merely decrease, her access to your funds, she will simply look elsewhere for, as Jaga put it, a new "sugar daddy" to pay for her every, and expensive, whim. Are there any exceptions to this rule? Could there be any legitimate reason she is insisting that in Poland men pay for everything? Is there a "class" of women in Poland who think like this (she is 38)? Or has she simply been lying all along, when insisting that in Poland the man should pay for everything in order to exploit the situation? |
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Post by Eric on Apr 25, 2017 18:54:38 GMT -7
I agree with Jaga. At the beginning of a relationship, if you want to be a gallant gentleman, then you can make the decision to pay for all expenses in your relationship. But after two years of you paying 100% of the costs of your relationship, and this sounds like these are not small costs at all, then you've reached a point where you must examine things closely. After all, two years is no longer the "getting to know you" phase of the relationship, nor is it the "always being on your best manners" phase. The two of you should know each other extremely well by now, and the conditions of your relationship should also be clearly expressed, though it sounds like perhaps this isn't the case. If, after two years, your girlfriend still insists that you pay for absolutely everything, including rather large expenses that are entirely at her whim, then it sounds like her expectation will ALWAYS be that you pay for everything and she simply comes along for the ride at your expense. Just from your description, it sounds to me like she's more interested in dating your bank account than you. I'm worried that if you not even cut off, but merely decrease, her access to your funds, she will simply look elsewhere for, as Jaga put it, a new "sugar daddy" to pay for her every, and expensive, whim. Are there any exceptions to this rule? Could there be any legitimate reason she is insisting that in Poland men pay for everything? Is there a "class" of women in Poland who think like this (she is 38)? Or has she simply been lying all along, when insisting that in Poland the man should pay for everything in order to exploit the situation? I really hate to sound cruel, but it sounds to me like she is just after your money. Of course it's nice for a man to be a "gentleman" and offer to pay for expenses when the relationship is just beginning - it's nice chivalry - but after two years there really is no excuse. Poles are far more practical than that. So, no, there's no reason why she should be insisting for you to pay for everything after two years... other than her desire to have a free ride in life. I'm sorry. |
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Post by Jaga on Apr 26, 2017 2:10:14 GMT -7
gentleman, you could also tell your girl-friend, that you/she don't live in Poland anymore and the rules, she talk about, questionable, do not apply to the real world and that she need to chip in the relationship her part if she wants to be treated seriously and with respect.
The other problem - you may check why she is afraid of using her own money or help her to find a better position, if she is paid so little compared to you. Maybe she feels that she need to save.
I feel that there is a lack of openness on her part, but maybe there are some reasons behind her being so stingy... it feels that you really would like to continue this relationship.
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Post by gentleman on Apr 26, 2017 3:26:48 GMT -7
Are there any exceptions to this rule? Could there be any legitimate reason she is insisting that in Poland men pay for everything? Is there a "class" of women in Poland who think like this (she is 38)? Or has she simply been lying all along, when insisting that in Poland the man should pay for everything in order to exploit the situation? I really hate to sound cruel, but it sounds to me like she is just after your money. Of course it's nice for a man to be a "gentleman" and offer to pay for expenses when the relationship is just beginning - it's nice chivalry - but after two years there really is no excuse. Poles are far more practical than that. So, no, there's no reason why she should be insisting for you to pay for everything after two years... other than her desire to have a free ride in life. I'm sorry. I think I agree with you, although the picture is more mixed. In the beginning, she said she did not want a real relationship, but just dating. But after 9 months, she started insisting she wants a serious relationship. Every time I would bring up the topic of justice and both paying our part, she would brush it off and say I am stingy, that "a gentleman with my income should not ask the woman to pay". Why does she not pay? Hard to say. Recently, she was planning to travel together with her polish friend. And she was supposed to pay for the whole trip herself (to the Carribean). Then, the friend got sick and could not travel, so she insisted instead she should joing me for my trip, which I had planned separately. But now she did not want to pay one penny - not even the expense for changing the date of her ticket that she wanted. I pointed out it was not fair she was originally planning to pay all, but just because she joined me, she could suddenly not pay anything. Her response was that she had no money, and that she spent it all a few weeks earlier, when she went to Poland and made shopping. Anyway, this is quite simple - I will start asking for justice in this field and for her to contribute. If she then decides to leave the relationship, it means it was all about the money from the beginning. Thanks again. |
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Post by Eric on Apr 26, 2017 11:32:58 GMT -7
I honestly don't know how to respond to that other than to repeat what I just said. If she was willing and able to pay for her vacation, but now that you're coming along she's suddenly penniless, it sounds like you're not hearing the entire story.
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Post by gentleman on Apr 26, 2017 16:34:23 GMT -7
To be posted
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Post by karl on Apr 27, 2017 9:53:02 GMT -7
Dear Gentleman I understand you are living in Sweden, a wonderful country {State} as part of Scandia. What part of Sweden do you reside in, if I may ask? Perhaps we have some thing in common for I grew up in Esbjerg Denmark quite some distance west from you. Both Pieter and my self talk about our lives of the North Sea and our adventures. Perhaps you might if you wish, to join us in our various conversations. Pieter is Dutch, but we both are products of the North Sea as you will see in time. Karl |
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