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Post by pieter on Oct 26, 2020 4:02:01 GMT -7
-- An aged woman visits the Communist Party office and declares she wants to join. Asked why she finally decided to become a party member, she replies: ''I`m so mad at my family after the fight we had last night that I want to embarrass them. I can`t think of a better way of doing it than by joining the party.''
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Post by pieter on Oct 26, 2020 4:05:44 GMT -7
A farm worker greets Josef Stalin at his potato farm.
“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.
“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.
“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”
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Post by pieter on Oct 26, 2020 4:07:44 GMT -7
An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests. The painting depicts Lenin's wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky.
"But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" Asks one of the guests.
"Lenin is in Poland," replies the painter.
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Post by pieter on Oct 26, 2020 4:10:13 GMT -7
After years of saving up, a Soviet man finally has enough to buy a car. He goes to the appropriate ministry and informs them that he would like to purchase a vehicle.
“There are currently shortages, it will be three years before your car is available,” the minister informs the man. “We will have it sent to your house when it’s ready.”
"Three years," he responds. "What month?"
"August," says the minister.
"August? What day in August?" Asks the man.
"The Second of August," says the minister.
"Morning or Afternoon?" Asks the man.
"Why do you need to know?" Asks the minister, getting exasperated.
"The plumber is coming in the morning," the man responds.
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Post by pieter on Oct 26, 2020 4:11:18 GMT -7
Under communism, every man has what he needs. That's why the butcher puts a sign up that says "nobody needs meat today."
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Post by pieter on Oct 26, 2020 4:12:17 GMT -7
A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve.
"Look at their calm, their reserve," says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"
"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"
The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
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Post by pieter on Oct 26, 2020 4:16:16 GMT -7
Two brothers, John, and Bob, who lived in America and were members of the communist party, decided to emigrate to the USSR. Even though they didn't believe the American media's negative reports on the conditions in the USSR, they decided to exercise caution. John would go to Russia to test the waters. If they were right and it was a communist paradise, then John would write a letter to Bob using black ink. If, though, the situation in the USSR was as bad as the American media liked to portray, and the KGB was a force to be feared, John would use red ink to indicate whatever he says in the letter must not be believed.
In three months John sent his first report. It was in black ink and read, "I'm so happy here! It's a beautiful country, I enjoy complete freedom and a high standard of living. All the capitalist press wrote was lies. Everything is readily available! There is only one small thing of which there's a shortage. Red ink."
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Post by pieter on Oct 26, 2020 5:39:13 GMT -7
Present day Polish joke about very rich new-Russians or businessmen:
Three rich businessmen discuss things while drinking alcohol. The first of them boasts:
“I have so much cash that I can buy the biggest telecom company for my daughter’s birthday.”
The second one says:
“I am also rich and I can buy all the telecom companies at once.”
They look at their friend as he says nothing for a while and finally he says:
“Why are you staring at me? No way, I am not going to sell them to you ... “
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Post by pieter on Oct 26, 2020 5:41:27 GMT -7
A priest, a pastor and a rabbi travelled on a train. The priest being tactful and the rabbi as a wise man did not start discussing sensitive subjects, but the pastor had a long tongue and started a dispute. Then, the rabbi said: “Mister Pastor! If the Messiah has not come yet, it means that we the Jews are right; if he has already come, the priest is right, but you are not right for sure.”
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Post by pieter on Oct 26, 2020 5:42:57 GMT -7
A priest, a pastor and a rabbi are discussing the moment when human life starts.
Priest: “Human life starts at the moment when the ovarian cell is con- nected with a sperm cell.”
Pastor: “Human life starts at the moment when a zygote finds its nesting place in a uterus.”
And the rabbi responds: “Gents ... Human life starts at the moment when your wife dies and your dog dies and your children move out.”
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Post by pieter on Oct 26, 2020 5:44:45 GMT -7
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician were given the same quan- tity of wire netting and the order to fence with it the largest possible area. The engineer fenced an area in the shape of a square. The physicist, as a little more intelligent person, fenced an area in the shape of an ideal circle and claimed that it is not possible to do it in a better way. The mathemati- cian put up the fence carelessly, got inside and said:
“I am outside.”
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Post by pieter on Oct 26, 2020 5:47:25 GMT -7
An engineer, a chemist and an IT guy are travelling in the same car. Sud- denly, their engine wheezes, squeaks and stops working.
“Something is wrong with the engine,” says the engineer.
“The petrol is of poor quality,” says the chemist.
“Let’s get off and on and this may help,” says the IT guy.
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Post by pieter on Oct 26, 2020 5:48:57 GMT -7
Three guys are watching a house. Suddenly, two persons enter the house. In half an hour three persons leave the house.
A biologist says: “They have bred.”
A physicist says: “No, this is a measurement error.”
A mathematician says: “If one more person enters the house, it will be empty ...”
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Post by pieter on Oct 26, 2020 5:50:29 GMT -7
A mathematician, a physicist and a Polish philology researcher wonder which is better to have – a wife or a mistress.
The mathematician claims: “It is better to have a wife because my din- ner is always cooked and the house is tidy.”
The physicist says: “It is better to have a mistress – she always smells good and is eager to make love.”
The Polish philology researcher responds: “It is best to have both. My wife thinks that I am at my mistress’ and my mistress thinks that I am at my wife’s – and I can get to the library ...”
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Post by pieter on Oct 26, 2020 5:57:24 GMT -7
Back to Stalinist times:
A delegation of octogenarians visited the great architect of universal happiness in the Kremlin this morning. They paid tribute to Lenin’s heir: ‘Thank you comrade Stalin for our happy childhood.’ ‘What are you talking about?’ our glorious leader asked, ‘you were children long before the Revolution.’ ‘Exactly,’ they replied.
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