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Post by pieter on Oct 26, 2020 6:01:22 GMT -7
Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev are travelling along at high speed in the great locomotive of socialism, built by the dear departed engineer of human happiness, Lenin. Suddenly the train grinds to a halt. Stalin is the boss, so he decides to go investigate the cause of the delay. He enters the driver’s cabin and sees the driver working on the engine. ‘Aha,’ Stalin thinks, ‘he’s a wrecker.’ So the boss pulls out his revolver and shoots the driver in the back of the head. Stalin returns to the cabin and reassures his comrades that he has solved the problem and the train will be moving again soon. They wait a few minutes. The train does not move. Khrushchev decides to take the initiative. He too goes to the front of the train and there he finds that the driver, his tools scattered around him, has been shot dead whilst trying to fix the engine. Khrushchev returns to the cabin and points an accusing finger at Stalin: ‘It’s his fault. The train stopped because he shot the driver. If we all ignore Stalin the train will start moving again.’ They sit in awkward silence for a while, but still the train refuses to budge. Brezhnev doesn’t like to see everyone fall out like this, so he volunteers to take the helm. He goes to the driver’s cabin and sees that Khrushchev was right: Stalin’s revolver lies on the floor, still smoking next to the dead engineer. He then has a look at the machinery, but quickly realises he hasn’t a clue how to fix it. So he returns to his fellow travellers, lowers the blinds, pulls out a bottle of vodka, pours everyone a drink, and says: ‘Let’s just pretend we’re moving shall we.’
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Post by pieter on Oct 26, 2020 6:06:42 GMT -7
A shorter version of the American communist brother visiting the USSR is the Armenian version:
An Armenian émigré is thinking of returning home and so writes from Paris to his brother in Erevan. ‘Tell me what it’s like in the new socialist utopia. To get round the censor, if what you tell me is true, write in black ink. If false, write in green ink.’ His brother dutifully writes back in black ink: ‘This is paradise on earth. Here we have everything we need – beautiful houses, motor-cars, wonderful jobs for all, delicious food aplenty, fine wines, every luxury you could want... The only thing we don’t have here is green ink.’
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Post by pieter on Oct 26, 2020 6:08:48 GMT -7
A Russian rabbit flees to Poland and meets a Polish hare. ‘Why are you running?’ asks the hare. ‘Stalin has just ordered the arrest of all elephants.’ ‘But you are not an elephant,’ the Pole points out, ‘you’re a rabbit.’ ‘I know,’ the rabbit replies, ‘but I can’t prove it!’
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Post by pieter on Oct 26, 2020 6:11:28 GMT -7
After receiving a delegation from the provinces Stalin loses his pipe. He orders the chief of his secret police, Beria, to conduct an investigation. Half an hour later the boss phones Beria to inform him that he has found his pipe down the back of the sofa and so he can call off the search. ‘But I have already arrested ten culprits,’ replies Beria. ‘Well release them then,’ says Stalin. ‘We can’t,’ says Beria. ‘Five of them died during interrogation and the other five confessed, so we shot them.’
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Post by pieter on Oct 26, 2020 6:13:06 GMT -7
Stalin’s ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country. Stalin says, ‘Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue.’ ‘Why blue?’ Putin asks. ‘Ha!’ says Stalin, ‘I knew you wouldn’t ask me about the first part.’
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Post by pieter on Oct 26, 2020 6:15:54 GMT -7
A doctor, a civil engineer and a Communist Party official are sitting in a pub arguing about whose job is the most important. The doctor says ‘It is we physicians who came first in the world. Look at the Bible: Who do you think created Eve from Adam’s rib?’ ‘Nonsense,’ says the engineer. ‘We technicians came first. Who do you think created order out of chaos?’ ‘You are both wrong,’ says the Communist. ‘Who do you think created chaos in the first place?’
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Post by pieter on Oct 26, 2020 6:17:51 GMT -7
The head of the secret police, Ezhov visits the noted genetic scientist Lysenko. The scientist explains that they are having problems with the latest impossible task set by Stalin: to mutate the genes of a rabbit and turn it into an elephant. Ezhov boasts that the NKVD has the best scientists in the world. ‘Give me the rabbit’ he says, ‘and our scientists will solve the problem.’
A month later Lysenko goes to see Ezhov in the Lubianka. ‘How is it going?’ he asks. ‘The job is done,’ crows Ezhov, ‘100% success. We have turned the rabbit into an elephant.’ ‘This I have to see,’ says Lysenko. And so Ezhov leads him to a vast cavernous dungeon, large enough to hold a whole herd of elephants. In the gloom some distance away Lysenko can just about make out a tiny white creature. It is the same rabbit holding his head and screaming, ‘I’m an elephant! I’m an elephant!’
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Post by pieter on Oct 26, 2020 6:19:14 GMT -7
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Post by karl on Oct 26, 2020 12:00:01 GMT -7
Pieter
This was funny as to the mindset of those days of Stalin and very much simular to Jewish dark humour..
Karl
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