scatts
Cosmopolitan
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Post by scatts on Sept 28, 2006 6:44:43 GMT -7
I can't remember if I said this already but I write a column each month for a small mag called the Warsaw Insider that is published and distributed around the city. I wondered if anyone here would be interested in reading them?
This is the latest one, hot off the press, for the November issue. If you like I can find the rest, going back to April.
Ad-hoc charity
Continuing my theme of 'street-observations' from last month's issue and bearing in mind the charitable nature of this months Insider, I thought I might look at begging. Not myself, although every little helps, but all those people you come across in the street who want you to give them stuff, for nothing.
I suppose in some cases "for nothing" is not exactly true. They want you to give them money for the fact that; they have a leg missing, or a dirty child, or they can sit next to the same lamppost without moving for whole day, or they have cute dog, or they are able to walk up and down a line of traffic with crutches or with a little sign they made, or because they are hungry, or because they are handing out horrible trinkets or because they are gypsies with special voodoo heather, or any of another hundred good reasons.
Whatever the situation, this leaves us, the ones being asked to donate, in a tricky position. Firstly you have to wonder, are these people genuine or are they trying it on, are they part of some organized scam, is that child wearing makeup or is it sick? Is the voodoo heather farmed on 100 hectares of land surrounding the gigantic gypsy manor house in the country? You worry about whether the money you give them is actually going to help solve their problem or is it going to buy alcohol or be passed on to their "pimp". You can't help thinking of all the other times you let a zlote or two slip quietly away; the cloakroom attendant, the taxi driver, the barman, the waitress. Are these less or more deserving than the person now before you? While you're busy pondering all those things there's a little voice in your head asking whether if you do give them something you're just encouraging them and next month it will hard to move for folk who decided not to take that job in the UK but come to Warsaw and beg instead!
That's a lot to think about, especially in the time it takes the lights to change or when you're rushing to catch a tram, get to a meeting or whatever. If you're expecting me to help you make your mind up what to do, think again! I'm completely useless and most of the time it just depends on who it is, what mood I'm in and whether I have any change in my pocket. This just leaves me hoping that my random approach has managed to get at least some of my hard earned money into genuinely needy hands.
The other option, of course, is to add all those ad-hoc donations together and instead make one larger contribution to an organized charity, needy person or group. Something that, on the face of it at least, has a greater chance of making a difference. Is this a better way of doing it, I really don't know, but I do know I count myself very lucky to be on this end of the problem rather than the other.
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scatts
Cosmopolitan
Posts: 812
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Post by scatts on Sept 28, 2006 6:47:28 GMT -7
By the way, I put the topic here because it's a hobby. At 120 PLN per article it can't be called anything else! Feel free to move it somewhere more appropriate, or tell me to put the rest elsewhere.
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piwo
Citizen of the World
Co Słychać?
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Post by piwo on Sept 28, 2006 19:17:44 GMT -7
Yes, I encountered these people both in Warszawa and in Augustowa. Just like in America, Kanada, and I assume everywhere else on the globe.
You accurately describe the situation, and the natural emotions that abound upon each "request". In Warszawa, cute college-aged girls collecting money for Children's causes. Problematic since they were educated and spoke English well: really the only people we met who did speak English well except for my friend we were staying with there. She did not want us to give money to them, and told them so in Polish. Everyone has their own opinions on how to respond. While with her, we respected her wishes.
In Augustowa, we met no one who spoke English so it wasn't so bad. I do have to profess, we gave some coins to some people....
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nancy
European
Posts: 2,144
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Post by nancy on Sept 28, 2006 20:23:50 GMT -7
scatts,
your column is very interesting to me - I would like to read more of your articles. perhaps you should post under "philosophy" - this is clearly more serious than a hobby
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scatts
Cosmopolitan
Posts: 812
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Post by scatts on Sept 28, 2006 23:00:01 GMT -7
They are extremely varied in nature, definitely not deeply philosophical. I'll have a look around for a good home.
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Post by kaima on Sept 29, 2006 0:37:17 GMT -7
Enjoyable to read all the same, Scatts. Please publish some more. We don't pay as well as they do in Poland, but we do enjoy!
On the part of the dirty kid or woman with a baby, I make it a habit to look around to see where the "protector" is at. There is always one nearby, in my limited experience. In Istanbul the kid had the nerve to touch the woman I was with, so I gave a "round house" kick that was easy for him to avoid. I did my best not to laugh because it reminded me of Tom and Jerry cartoons. His protector took a step toward us & I left after waving my fist at him.
Kai
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scatts
Cosmopolitan
Posts: 812
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Post by scatts on Sept 29, 2006 6:31:02 GMT -7
What about I leave it all here? Now we've started an' all.
This is where it all started:
INTRODUCTION (March 06)
Hi. My name is Ian but as we get to know each other better you can call me Scatts. You can call me other things too but I may not answer. I'll be writing observations of life in Warsaw (Poland) here each month. Five hundred or so little words all swimming around just waiting for you to come along and read them. Fun isn't it!
The first thing I want to say (okay, the second), is that I love Poland. I need to say this first because not everything I write will give you that impression. So, even though I may occasionally slide into what appears to be xenophobic Poland bashing there is still a deep affection and lots of tongue-in-cheekness underpinning the whole circus. I hope to write as many words glorifying the wonderful things this country has to offer as I do taking a swipe at the sillier things but there is no fixed agenda. I can only hope that I never hear "If you have so many problems, why don't you leave?".
So, who am I?
History records the most momentous happening of early 1959 as being the revolution in Cuba. Little do they know that sometime between General Batista emptying the treasury and fleeing to the Dominican Republic and Fidel Castro taking office, yours truly was being born in the relative peace and quiet of Nottingham General Hospital, England. Astrologically, I am Aquarian, or as my daughter, Zosia, says every time they deliver the bottled water to our apartment, "Woda Man!".
Unsurprisingly, my birth was closely followed by childhood, which included the British equivalent of moving from a small mining town in Silesia to Warsaw. For nearly 30 years in London I did things like going to school, making friends, working, having fun and trying to understand the female gender. I was good at most of those although the last one still eludes me.
Towards the end of my time as a UK resident I was actually spending very little time in the UK. Some fools had made me responsible for large chunks of their business in EMEA and my life was hardly distinguishable from that of an airline pilot. Although the ridiculous amount of travel was tiresome, I have to thank it for transforming me from your average Brit into something altogether more continental, with a taste for adventure. It was thanks to this therefore, that when a call came saying "We need help in Poland, are you interested?", I was able to answer "Yes" without hesitation.
My "second life" here in Poland has been interesting, annoying, challenging and wonderful in equal quantities. I have married and become a father, both for the first time and through this, as well as just "being here", I have grown roots in Polish soil that I think would be very hard to pull out.
Everyone asks how long I am expecting to be in Poland. A fair question given the number of foreigners who seem determined to leave at some point in the future. My answer is that I will leave if it seems like the best thing to do for my family and I. Right now I can't see that being for a very long time, if ever. Sorry about that!
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scatts
Cosmopolitan
Posts: 812
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Post by scatts on Sept 29, 2006 6:32:57 GMT -7
And then the articles started:
"Not to the end…" (April 06)
Soon after arriving in Poland, Janusz introduced me to this phrase, which even now sends shivers up my spine. The conversations would go something like this;
"So Janusz, how are you getting on with the <insert main task that had to be finished yesterday> we talked about last week?" "It's finished!" "Great news! Were there any problems?" "Not really" "So what was the result of the <insert sub-task>?" "Well, you need to decide A or B before I can complete it" "And the <insert another sub-task>?" "I'm waiting for a reply from <insert someone to blame>" "So, Janusz, when you say "It's finished", you don't mean completely finished, do you?" "Not to the end"
I have seen the phrase used many times since my days with Janusz. The reason this virus is so prevalent is because the host believes it is beneficial to them. It is easier to leave things half done, simply do as much or as little as you like as long as somebody else, especially your boss, can be seen to be holding you up by not making a decision they did not know they had to make.
Sadly, this penchant for stopping a mile short instead of going the extra mile is something that holds back the promotion and development of those infected. It makes it difficult to leave things in Polish hands for fear they will not get done. Removing ex-pat labour in favor of local talent is a fine ideal but "not to the end" disease is slowing it down. Why is it that some local managers, directors even, are unable to see something through to the end, or even slightly further? I can only put this down to either; a) laziness, b) a reluctance to go beyond the boundaries seen as being imposed by the instruction, or c) an inability to "fill in the gaps" left by an incomplete instruction, and let's face it, so many management instructions are woefully short on clues as to what exactly needs doing!
I'll leave you with one result of "not to the end…" syndrome that is a daily annoyance.
Anyone living in the North of the city, like me, will have noticed the arrival last year of Arkadia shopping centre. A fine consumer temple which, for shoppers, works perfectly. However, you may have also noticed the greatly increased difficulty level associated with getting around Rondo Babka (as was). I asked my friend, "How long does a fruit fly (Drosophila melanogaster) live?". "About as long as it takes to drive around Rondo Babka these days!", he answered.
How did this happen? It happened because amongst all the massive brains employed to analyze the impact of such a development, not one of them picked up on the fact that thousands of people will be traveling by tram. That the trams stop in the centre of the street and that the people therefore need to cross the road. That pedestrians in Poland are indestructible and don't give a darn about cars. That the pedestrian crossing will therefore become a human barrier for traffic and that the traffic will then build up.
So, did they build a nice shopping centre at Arkadia? Yes, but NOT TO THE END!
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scatts
Cosmopolitan
Posts: 812
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Post by scatts on Sept 29, 2006 6:34:37 GMT -7
and they just go on....and on.....
Fruit & Vegetables (May 06)
Hello again!
Spring is coming soon, so I thought it was a good time to bang on about why fruits and vegetables can sometimes make me VERY angry. Fruits and vegetables should be an important part of everyone's daily diet. This of course refers to fruits and vegetables that are fresh, plump, ripe, brightly coloured, appropriately scented and largely undamaged. Ones that when you taste them do bear some resemblance to the correct flavor. In Warsaw, such items are widely available at any local bazaar or small local shop, in my case Hala Marymoncka. No problem there then.
Hypermarkets are a worldwide phenomena, as I'm sure you know. One of their main advantages is that you can make one trip and purchase everything you need for the week, even if that particular week you find yourself needing a new lens for the Hubble space telescope. Pop down to your local "Le Bulk" and away you go, one trip, one queue and you're done 'till next week.
Now. I've shopped at hypermarkets in the UK, Belgium, Germany, France and Spain, where I was able to get everything I needed and all of an acceptable, often very good, standard. So, (and here comes the point) why, oh why, oh why, oh why, oh why…….can I not do the same in Poland??
Here, the fresh bread and a few other items are good, many others just about pass inspection, but the fruit and vegetables should be taken straight out the back and thrown in the trash! I'm sorry, but that's the way I feel and I express these feelings by muttering to myself and making wild eye movements while browsing the displays; "You call these tomatoes?", "This is rotten!", "I've seen better fed to pigs!". I've tried picking up particularly dodgy looking mandarins to show other shoppers what I'm concerned about. Half the time they muscle in on my spot by the display and start rummaging on the assumption that I've found a better seam than they were mining! The other half of the time they mutter something back which I suspect means "Bugger off you mad foreigner!".
However, I should warn you that I speak with a certain authority on this subject. Whilst at school, one of my part-time jobs was working in the produce department of the Safeway supermarket in Wembley. (as in - Stadium). Thanks to my boss, an Indian guy we called "Tip-Top" because that's almost all he said, I became quite fanatical about making sure the displays were good enough for our beloved customers. So be warned, I have done this fruit and veg thing from the ground up! I know a good ziemniak when I see one!
You want to know what I think? I think we are being sold the junk that people in other countries did not, or would not buy. They could send us quality merchandise but why bother when we keep buying whatever trash they put on the shelves. I think "Le Bulk" is laughing all the way to the "Le Bank". I think we (the rest of you) should stop buying this trash! If we could all just leave this stuff on the shelves we may eventually force them into providing the same level of quality in Poland that is already enjoyed by other EU countries.
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scatts
Cosmopolitan
Posts: 812
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Post by scatts on Sept 29, 2006 6:36:43 GMT -7
KIDS (June 06)
It's June, it's probably around 20+ degrees and I want to take Zosia for a walk in the park. My British instincts tell me shorts, a T-shirt and open sandals is appropriate dress for both of us. However, I've been here long enough to know that my instincts, when it comes to dress code for children, do not work in Poland and also that, as a man, I have absolutely nothing to say when it comes to children's welfare. I have therefore grown a large neon sign on my head saying "If I am on my own with my child please feel free to stop me and tell me what I'm doing wrong!". I am so used to it that I now warmly invite persistent nagging from the family and harsh remarks from strange women to help me avoid placing my 3 year old in life threatening situations such as a hat not completely covering the left ear! To help, I have developed my own version of those "Customer Feedback" forms everyone gives out, or used to:
Dear wife/family member/strange lady (delete as appropriate), On the rare occasion I am allowed alone with my child, I pride myself on providing excellent childcare, and yet persistently fail to do so. It is only by receiving your valuable feedback that I stand any hope of being allowed to father more offspring. Please rate my performance in the categories below using the following scale: 1 = I'm calling the police! 2 = At this rate the child will be lucky to reach its fourth birthday. 3 = Didn't your mother tell you these things? …..and so on.
Let's face it, when a man plans a trip outdoors with his child, he is simply asking for trouble. One way to avoid divorce and losing custody of your child is to consult "Scattergood's Wearing Everything Appropriately Table", or SWEAT for short:
Temperature Assumed geographic region Appropriate dress for children below 10 years
Above 30C The colder parts of Spain Shorts & T-shirt or light summer dress. Hat to avoid the sun and 100% covered with total sun-block cream. Jumper available nearby in case a breeze is noticed.
20C to 30C Denmark Long trousers & socks. Vest, long sleeved top, lightweight pullover, knitted hat. Coat available nearby.
10C to 20C Iceland Long warm trousers with tights beneath. Winter boots. Vest, long sleeved polo-neck top, fleece, scarf, warm hat and winter coat.
Zero to10C Siberia As above but with cream on face to prevent freezing cheeks. Gloves and thicker fleece. Have blanket available nearby.
-10C to Zero North Pole As above but with additional full-body "Michelin Man" kombinazon. Have two blankets available nearby. Do not stand outside for more than 5 minutes.
Below -10C Antarctica As above but child does not leave the apartment. Heating turned to MAX.
Following the above guide may help you walk your child without getting hit by too many handbags but you need to remember one thing. If your child ever displays any signs of a cold (or other sickness) within one month of the last time you ever took them outside, it is going to be YOUR FAULT! What's new, eh?
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scatts
Cosmopolitan
Posts: 812
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Post by scatts on Sept 29, 2006 6:44:44 GMT -7
Art - July 06
Ask 1,000 men & women in the street of any capital city outside Poland "Which of these names; Matejko, Cezanne, Monet, Renoir, Chelmoński, Malczewski, do you recognise?" About 99% will know the second, third and fourth and the other 1% might have heard of one of the others. (Most likely a group of Polish tourists.)
This is strange, annoying if you're Polish, especially given that they were all born (in the order shown) between 1838-1854, were all very fine painters and all, except Matejko, studied and spent time working in Paris. So what did the French artists have, that the Polish didn't? By far the most significant answer to that question is "A country!". Not only a country but a highly stimulating environment within that country. France had just got over the excitement of the revolution followed closely by the antics of their big hero, Napoleon. Such thrilling times gave birth to all kinds of artistic endeavours. Impressionism, Art Nouveau, the first photographs, the first movie pictures, the Eiffel Tower. Excepting a trifling one year war with Prussia in 1870 it must have seemed like the fun would never end! By contrast however, at this same time, Poland did not exist. It was in the middle of what is known as "The Third Partition". That being 123 years where Poland was carved up between the, you guessed it, Russians, Prussians and Austrians.
Remember, this was the third partition. It has to be assumed that by this stage of the country's ever-so-turbulent history, people must have lost a certain amount of faith in their government and armed forces abilities to protect the nation from the surrounding bully-boys. Keen, as they naturally were, to not lose the baby with the bath water all the nation's artists (painters, writers, etc) clearly decided to take it upon themselves to turn around the nation's fortunes and to hold together a sense of Polish identity. As you can imagine, this was not a preoccupation their French colleagues had to worry about. So while the French were flouncing around painting bright, lively flowers, apples, naked women and the view of auntie's cottage, the likes of Matejko were laying down a series of slightly depressing giant masterpieces reflecting on glories past, armed only (or so it appears) with a bath-full of black paint and three tubes of red. (If you don't believe me, take a look at "Stańczyk"). Whilst Matejko was taking the "historical drama" route to national identity boosting, Chelmoński, altogether more colourful thanks to his time in Paris, was coming on strong with Polish landscapes and simple country folk. Paintings such as "Partridges" (a lot of snow and 16 partridges), "Storks" (father & son, storks, oxen ploughing field) and "Indian Summer" (simple country girl lying in the mud, presumably drunk, with her dog, presumably disgusted, standing with its back to her) were all aimed at reminding people just how good it was in the old days. Presumably.
Whilst you cannot deny that the work of Matejko, Chelmoński and others is historically important, for me, of the artists mentioned, only Malczewski manages to combine the need to help the nation with the production of some visually stimulating paintings. I don't have space enough to write more about him but I do urge you to get yourself to the National Museum (or the Ale Gloria restaurant!) and take a look for yourself.
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Post by pieter on Sept 29, 2006 7:21:31 GMT -7
Scatts,
I enjoyed reading your columns.
Pieter
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Post by Jaga on Sept 29, 2006 8:10:21 GMT -7
Scatts,
great reading! I know how frustrating it is that nobody knows Matejko - although he was very Polish in everything he did. Polish artists were really good, we had visitors from Germany here in Krakow and they felt in love with Wyspianski!
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scatts
Cosmopolitan
Posts: 812
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Post by scatts on Sept 29, 2006 10:05:33 GMT -7
The Demon Drink! - August 06
In Poland, men drink four times as much as women. I think it’s also fair to say that men are more likely to do something “bad” when drunk than are women, who usually just get cute, giggly and a whole lot better looking to the drunk men! So why have I not seen a fight here yet?
I have noticed a fairly significant difference between Poland and Britain with respect to their behaviour while under the influence. Some of this comes from personal experience and some formed by the media coverage in both countries. So I’m going to start with the sweeping statement and then try to understand it:
The British display their inability to cope with alcohol in very public ways, the Polish in private.
What do I mean? I mean that it is the British, not the Polish fans who caused trouble during the World Cup (as usual). It is British bars in which I feel most nervous, not Polish. But it is in Polish homes and villages where alcohol has a big impact on family life, not British.
There are obviously very many exceptions to this on both sides, but this is the “impression” I have and, as yet, nobody I have talked to and no statistics I have read have convinced me otherwise.
Justifying the British side of the statement is the easiest because I’ve “been there”. Years ago I had a very good friend, Jerry, a massive guy of Caribbean descent who was the nicest guy you could wish to meet, until you went drinking with him. After a few lagers (that watery stuff the Polish call beer) his favourite line was “Are you looking at me?”, which loosely translates into “Would you care for a fight?”. The only good thing about this situation was that he was so big (and I’m not small) that almost everyone declined the invitation. So, what with Jerry as a mate and many years of frequenting the bars and night-clubs of London I was left in no doubt that drinking and fighting go together like strawberries and cream. The extent to which I believed that was only truly apparent after I had lived here a while and started asking everyone “Are there really no fights here or am I just being lucky?”. There is no question that I have seen people just as drunk here as in Britain, even more so, but the Poles just seem to handle it better and seem far more reluctant to cause a public nuisance when Brahms and Liszt (rhyming slang).
Justifying that the Polish trouble with alcohol is more private is harder as I have not personally experienced it. However, I’ve tested the theory in many conversations recently and it does seem to have a basis of truth. I’ve seen far more cases of domestic violence and families split up because of the parents drinking habits publicized by the media here. They wouldn’t do that if it wasn’t a problem, would they? Statistics suggest that 2-3 million children and co-dependant adults in the country are victims and it is estimated (but disputed) that only 3 to 5 percent of domestic violence cases in Poland are not alcohol related.
Let’s just hope for everyone’s sake that the situation in both countries improves rather than deteriorates!
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scatts
Cosmopolitan
Posts: 812
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Post by scatts on Sept 29, 2006 10:06:51 GMT -7
Up, Down, Sideways? - Sept 06
For a long time now, I have wanted write about the mysterious inability of lifts, entrance doors and airplane seats to empathise with a significant percentage of the Polish population. Why these things should have it in for Poles is beyond me, but it seems that they do.
An encounter at my office building about a week ago brought all three of my pet peeves together in one moment of revelation. A Polish lady, let’s call her Pani Kowalska, at a guess in her early 40’s, arrives at the entrance to my office block just as I’m finishing another 5 minute smoke-chat with the equally addicted neighbours. She starts the usual routine of mistiming the delay between pushing buzzer and opening door, pushing instead of pulling, wondering what that noise is (electronic door release), returning to the buzzer and talking to it and then repeating this cycle a few times before turning to someone with a “Please, for God’s sake help me!” look on her face. We let Pani Kowalska in. She follows us to the lifts. She’s lucky we are there because her body language says “What are these things?” but we have the skills to transport this lady to wherever she wants, which in this case is the 5th floor. She stays close as we enter the lift and press for her the appropriate buttons. As we pass the 3rd floor she exclaims “This is just like being in an airplane!”
While I suppress the desire to kiss her all over, we arrive at the 5th floor. Now, as you know, lift door timings are regulated on the basis that people on the inside know what to do when they arrive at their floor, namely, get out. Unfortunately, the people who programme lift door computers are German, not Polish, so we are often about 3 minutes short of the time actually needed to accomplish a successful re-entry to the land where things stand still. Realising that the lift has stopped moving is tricky, but far worse is working out exactly where you are. Now, here we have the root of the problem linking airplane seats and lifts, they both require the “user” to have an understanding of basic numbers, small parts of the alphabet and sometimes of little symbols, like arrows pointing one way or another. Short-change the same people in the grocery store and you’ll find they have no problem with numbers, but put them on a plane and ask them to take their seats…………
Anyway, here we are at the 5th floor, a bright red neon light on the lift wall shows the number 5. Another ridiculously obvious sign on the wall of the lift lobby also hints that this might be the 5th floor where the offices of X,Y & Z firms can be found. Pani Kowalska, however, is unimpressed and like a rabbit caught in the headlights is uncertain what she is supposed to do next. A lot of encouragement from us eventually persuades her to leave the lift, but you can tell she is not totally convinced it was the right thing to do.
I have no idea how she ever got back down to ground level. Perhaps she never did. Perhaps there is a room somewhere on the 5th floor filled with hundreds of lift-phobic Poles who were unable to use the inside-building-airplane devices or to understand the staircase looking picture on the door to the fire escape stairs. I suppose it does look a bit like a snake!?
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