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Post by valpomike on Dec 28, 2007 10:45:35 GMT -7
An older woman knocked on the door of her daughter's house, and her grandson answered the door, "Hi, Grandma!" the boy said. "Daddy saw you coming and said your're all he needs!"
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Post by valpomike on Dec 28, 2007 10:51:37 GMT -7
SIGNS OF THE TIMES
Tire shop: "Invite us to your next blowout."
Church: "Salvation guaranteed, or your sins cheerfully refunded."
Auto-body shop: "May we have the next dents?"
Butcher's window: "The best of the wurst."
Pizza shop: "We knead the dough."
Septic-tank truck: "Yesterday's meals on weheels."
Hotel: "We need inn-experienced people."
Taxidermist's womdpw: "We know our stuff."
Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
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Post by valpomike on Dec 28, 2007 10:52:51 GMT -7
There's no time like the present, but a couple of minutes ago bore a striking similarity.
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Post by valpomike on Dec 28, 2007 10:56:36 GMT -7
Two brothers were walking home from Sunday School, each deep in his own thoughts. Finally, one boy said, "What do you think about all that devel stuff we learned today?" The other replied thoughtfully, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. The devil's probably just Dad in disguise, too."
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Post by valpomike on Dec 29, 2007 10:34:50 GMT -7
No one like my jokes?
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Post by rdywenur on Dec 30, 2007 17:51:24 GMT -7
HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
To write w ith a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it. & nbsp; The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are ; subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine
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Mary
Cosmopolitan
Posts: 934
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Post by Mary on Dec 30, 2007 20:58:02 GMT -7
Wonderful!!!!
I so enjoyed this! Thanks!
Mary
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Post by rdywenur on Dec 31, 2007 16:47:04 GMT -7
A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1. Don't change horses until they stop running. 2. Strike while the bug is close. 3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time. 4. Never underestimate the power of termites. 5. You can lead a horse to water but How? 6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty. 7. No news is impossible 8. A miss is as good as a Mr. 9. You can't teach an old dog new Math 10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning. 11. Love all, trust Me. 12. The pen is mightier than the pigs. 13. An idle mind is the best way to relax. 14. Where there's smoke there's pollution. 15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents. 16. A penny saved is not much. 17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers. 18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed. 19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose. 20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder. 21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded. 22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries. 23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box 24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way. 25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26. Better late than Pregnant
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Post by Jaga on Dec 31, 2007 22:32:35 GMT -7
24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way. 25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you. And the WINNER and last one! 26. Better late than Pregnant Chris, very good jokes and you did a great job to present it in different colors so that we know what is the part of the phrase and what is not
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Post by valpomike on Jan 1, 2008 9:49:23 GMT -7
GREAT STUFF
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Post by rdywenur on Jan 2, 2008 15:18:45 GMT -7
Subject: Christmas at Rock-Away Rest
'Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest, And all of us seniors were looking our best. Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry; Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.
A bed sock was taped to each walker; in hope That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap. We surely were lucky to be there with friends, Secure in this residence and in our Depends.
Our grandkids had sent us some Christmassy crafts, Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts. The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth, And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.
The bedpans, so shiny, all stood in a row, Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow. Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop -- Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.
Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great, Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate. The social director then had us play games, Like "Where Are You Living?" And "What Are Your Names?"
Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats, Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats. Our resident wanderer was tied to her chair, In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.
Security lights on the new fallen snow Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below. Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter But we were so deaf that it just didn't matter.
A strange little fellow flew in through the door, Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor. 'Twas just our director, all togged out in red. He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.
We knew from the way that he strutted and jived Our social security checks had arrived. We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak, Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. Stroke.
And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds. While nurses distributed nocturnal meds. And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest. 'fore long you'll be with us, we wish you the best.
~Author Unknown ~
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Post by rdywenur on Jan 3, 2008 14:54:37 GMT -7
This one is for Piwo..... ;D
Two fraternity brothers... Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost. After twenty hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by. He picks it up and a genie pops out. The genie notices the poor condition of the brothers and grants them one wish between the two of them. After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, "I wish the ocean was made of beer."
Magically, the ocean turns to beer.
Infuriated, the other guy yells, "You idiot! Now we have to piss in the boat!"
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Post by rdywenur on Jan 4, 2008 22:49:41 GMT -7
A woman goes to Poland to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "A Polish girl !!!" The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - a Polish girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"
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Post by leslie on Jan 5, 2008 12:02:17 GMT -7
Well, somebody might think it's funny! Leslie
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Post by rdywenur on Jan 5, 2008 12:45:55 GMT -7
Santa does.....I can still hear him .......Ho Ho Ho..... ing ;D ;D ;D ...Cute one Leslie
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