|
Post by rdywenur on Jan 6, 2008 12:18:45 GMT -7
Tree Hugger
While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?" "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You've gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?" Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left. Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?" He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."
|
|
|
Post by rdywenur on Jan 7, 2008 7:13:43 GMT -7
A Blonde's Year in Review January Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!! March Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said "2-4 years!" April Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!! May Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope. July Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open. September The capital of California is "C".....isn't it??? October Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel. November Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!! December Couldn't call 911 . "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!! THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" "My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
|
|
|
Post by rdywenur on Jan 9, 2008 14:18:11 GMT -7
My Frisbee...........I was standing in the park, wondering why frisbees got bigger as they got closer. Then it hit me.
|
|
Mary
Cosmopolitan
Posts: 934
|
Post by Mary on Jan 12, 2008 20:44:56 GMT -7
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia , formerly known as California White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica . No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation! Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Florexico. Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States . Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent . Florexico voters still having trouble with voting machines.
|
|
Mary
Cosmopolitan
Posts: 934
|
Post by Mary on Jan 14, 2008 13:27:05 GMT -7
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
Scroll down...You'll love this ....
"You got Male!"
|
|
|
Post by justjohn on Jan 15, 2008 2:27:57 GMT -7
Subject: Blonde
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the blonde catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.
The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Kevin. It's winter in Massachusetts, and I'm driving the
"SAND & SALT TRUCK!"
|
|
|
Post by livia on Jan 15, 2008 4:45:53 GMT -7
Subject: BlondeAs a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D nice!!! Just John, but as a blonde I don't quite understand why in the joke it was not possible to place a woman as a driver of the truck and a man as the one 'catching up'
|
|
|
Post by justjohn on Jan 15, 2008 5:03:06 GMT -7
Subject: BlondeAs a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D nice!!! Just John, but as a blonde I don't quite understand why in the joke it was not possible to place a woman as a driver of the truck and a man as the one 'catching up' Pure and utter sexism !!!!!
|
|
|
Post by rdywenur on Jan 15, 2008 5:47:21 GMT -7
Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of you r needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s-h-i-t .
|
|
|
Post by justjohn on Jan 15, 2008 8:04:18 GMT -7
Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this! A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?' Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of you r needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.' So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.' The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.' The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s-h-i-t . ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Good one !!!
|
|
|
Post by kaima on Jan 23, 2008 10:31:34 GMT -7
Only in Scotland
Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous. At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands,once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet... "Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!"
|
|
|
Post by justjohn on Jan 23, 2008 11:47:19 GMT -7
Kai,
That is soooo gooooodddd!!!!
Going out on my Scotsman list.
|
|
|
Post by rdywenur on Jan 23, 2008 13:48:02 GMT -7
Kai ......ditto to what JJ said...ROFLMAO... ;D ;D
|
|
|
Post by kaima on Jan 24, 2008 3:04:08 GMT -7
The Deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and briefly watched the performance. He then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in. The Deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Might as well take my a$$ on to jail, there is no way in hell I can pass THAT test!"
|
|
|
Post by rdywenur on Jan 24, 2008 13:25:46 GMT -7
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside
his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter said,
"You died in your sleep, Ralph."
Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've
got too much to live for. Send me back!
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way
you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him
to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he
was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the
ground.
A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh?
How's your first day here?"
"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this
strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster.
"Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never," said Ralph.
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the
rooster. "It's no big deal."
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out
popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced
motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was
overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack
on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout.....
"Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shittin in the bed!"
|
|