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Post by hollister on Feb 22, 2008 4:45:58 GMT -7
A maiden was renowned throughout the kingdom for her beauty. One day, the queen learned of her. Being envious, she threw the maiden into the dungeon. And the queen made her wear an ugly, ugly dress. Every day, she saw knights riding past. She called for help, but they were repulsed by the dress.
Eventually, she realized no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress.
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Post by justjohn on Feb 22, 2008 5:14:30 GMT -7
A maiden was renowned throughout the kingdom for her beauty. One day, the queen learned of her. Being envious, she threw the maiden into the dungeon. And the queen made her wear an ugly, ugly dress. Every day, she saw knights riding past. She called for help, but they were repulsed by the dress. Eventually, she realized no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress. Ohhhh - - - Ohhhh great one linerrrrr !!!!!!
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Post by rdywenur on Feb 23, 2008 16:12:18 GMT -7
Laws of Life:
Law of Mechanical Repair After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. Law of the Workshop Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law If you change lines (or traffic lanes) the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). Law of the Bath When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. Law of Close Encounters The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. Law of the Result When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. Law of Biomechanics The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Law of the Theater At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. Law of Coffee As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of Lockers If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Rugs/Carpets The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. Law of Location No matter where you go, there you are. Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Brown's Law If the shoe fits, it's ugly. Oliver's Law A closed mouth gathers no feet . Wilson's Law As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. (This one is true every time!) Doctors' Law If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick. (This one is also true every time.)
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Post by justjohn on Feb 23, 2008 18:57:34 GMT -7
Subject: cruise ;D ;D An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
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Post by justjohn on Feb 23, 2008 19:01:33 GMT -7
Subject: genieWhile trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female Genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, 'Master, may I grant you one wish?' Osama responded, 'You ignorant, unworthy Daughter-of-a-flea-bitten camel! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything.' The shocked Genie said, 'Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever.' Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said: 'Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning So just do it and be off with you.' The annoyed Genie said, 'So be it!' and disappeared. The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side. His thingy was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance. God is Good!
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Post by justjohn on Feb 23, 2008 19:09:23 GMT -7
Subject: how much of sex was 'work' You have to be ex-military to really understand this...... The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?' The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. A Captain said it was 50-50%. The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? With no hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be a 100%pleasure." The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why? "Well, Sir, began the PFC, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them!" The room fell silent.
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Post by justjohn on Feb 23, 2008 19:13:53 GMT -7
;D TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.' THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!' 'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?' 'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.' HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.' 'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?' 'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'
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Post by hollister on Feb 26, 2008 18:02:56 GMT -7
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Mary
Cosmopolitan
Posts: 934
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Post by Mary on Feb 26, 2008 21:31:16 GMT -7
Sounds like a typical brother..........
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Post by rdywenur on Feb 27, 2008 17:26:28 GMT -7
BABY BOOMER BLUES:
It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers:
They include:
Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?
Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Roberta Flack --- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now !
Paul Simon --- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem --- A Whiter Shade of Hair.!
Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba --- Denture Queen !
Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore !
Leslie Gore --- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want Too!
Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again !!
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Post by uncltim on Feb 27, 2008 20:44:36 GMT -7
I wish I had two politicians, One to poop on.. And one to cover it up with!!!
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Post by rdywenur on Mar 2, 2008 16:57:17 GMT -7
Estate planning
Don was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, 'but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.'
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
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Post by jimpres on Mar 2, 2008 17:05:10 GMT -7
Chris,
Good one I can relate to that one.
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Post by rdywenur on Mar 2, 2008 17:42:08 GMT -7
Jim sit down for this one ;D
Hillary and the Pope:
The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. The senator and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before.
To make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do.
"That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
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Post by rdywenur on Mar 2, 2008 17:56:34 GMT -7
Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this: A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. "No, I don't," she replied. "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size." She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the pr ocedure, she burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked "I was just envisioning how condoms are made!" Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always Working!
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