Mary
Cosmopolitan
Posts: 934
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Post by Mary on Jan 24, 2008 13:28:15 GMT -7
OMG! THAT WAS FUNNY!!!!!
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Post by bescheid on Jan 24, 2008 13:48:18 GMT -7
Ohhh dear, I am laughing into my tea and sandwich..........
Charles
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Post by rdywenur on Jan 24, 2008 13:58:44 GMT -7
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning. Q Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Q During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him. Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
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Post by kaima on Jan 24, 2008 21:29:39 GMT -7
This story may challenge your knowledge of American culture:
HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we were alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. . And you know how you just - get -so - stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?
Well, I could not believe it. He was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "' I AM NOT HAPPY!"'
So, I look down at him and say, "'Well, then which one are you?"'
...... And that's when the fight started !
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Post by kaima on Jan 24, 2008 21:30:41 GMT -7
So, I look down at him and say, "'Well, then which one are you?"'
...... And that's when the fight started !
... that refers to Snow White and the Seven Dwarves; one was named Happy ...
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Post by kaima on Jan 24, 2008 21:32:32 GMT -7
A Native American story ...
TWO WOLVES
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
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Post by hollister on Jan 25, 2008 4:01:22 GMT -7
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
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Post by kaima on Jan 29, 2008 9:56:25 GMT -7
Laws of Probability
& Law of Mechanical Repair After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. & Law of the Workshop Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. & Law of Probability The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. & Law of the Telephone If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. & Law of the Alibi If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. & Variation Law If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). & Law of the Bath When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. & Law of Close Encounters The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. & Law of the Result When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. & Law of Biomechanics The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. & Law of the Theater At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. & Law of Coffee As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. & Murphy's Law of Lockers If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. & Law of Rugs/Carpets The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. & Law of Location No matter where you go, there you are. & Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. & Brown's Law If the shoe fits, it's ugly. & Oliver's Law A closed mouth gathers no feet. & Wilson's Law As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. (this one is true every time!) & Doctors' Law If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
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Post by justjohn on Jan 31, 2008 8:01:21 GMT -7
;D ;D ;D Wise 1st Graders A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom a list with the 1st half of well-known proverbs, and asked them to think up a remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic! 1.Don't change horses…until they stop running. 2.Strike while the…bug is close. 3.It's always darkest before …Daylight Saving Time. 4.Never underestimate the power of …termites. 5.You can lead a horse to water but …How? 6.Don't bite the hand that …looks dirty. 7.No news is…impossible 8.A miss is as good as a…Mr. 9.You can't teach an old dog new …Math 10.If you lie down with dogs, you'll …stink in the morning. 11.Love all, trust…Me. 12.The pen is mightier than the …pigs. 13.An idle mind is…the best way to relax . 14.Where there's smoke there's …pollution. 15.Happy the bride who…gets all the presents. 16.A penny saved is…not much. 17.Two's company, three's …the Musketeers. 18.Don't put off till tomorrow what …you put on to go to bed. 19.Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and …You have to blow your nose. 20.There are none so blind as …Stevie Wonder. 21.Children should be seen and not …spanked or grounded. 22.If at first you don't succeed …get new batteries. 23.You get out of something only what you …See in the picture on the box 24.When the blind lead the blind …get out of the way. 25.A bird in the hand…is going to poop on you. And the WINNER and last one! 26.Better late than… Pregnant
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Post by hollister on Jan 31, 2008 8:34:54 GMT -7
Two atoms walking down the street happen to collide into one another. The first one exclaims, "Oh no! I think I've lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" says the second atom. "Yes, I'm positive!"
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Post by hollister on Feb 1, 2008 12:14:46 GMT -7
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
“What are you doing?”, she asked.
“Hunting Flies”, he responded.
“Oh. ! Killing any?”, she asked.
“Yep, 3 males, 2 females”, he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell them apart?”
He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.“.
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Post by valpomike on Feb 1, 2008 18:03:33 GMT -7
hollister,
I have never been able to pull there legs apart to tell !!!!!
Michael Dabrowski
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Post by kaima on Feb 3, 2008 18:52:36 GMT -7
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Post by rdywenur on Feb 18, 2008 18:06:07 GMT -7
This is for all you Duck Hunters:
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor who said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot. The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your thingy. So I'm going to refer you to my brother."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the man replied. "Is your brother a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
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Post by rdywenur on Feb 21, 2008 8:36:24 GMT -7
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