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Post by justjohn on Jun 29, 2007 3:57:23 GMT -7
Waited for the cold water splash to hit me. But why did you take off your clothesl? Is it an American custom to undress on your birthday? And wait for cold water? Very strange... It was a hormonal response !!!
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Post by justjohn on Jun 29, 2007 9:45:03 GMT -7
;D Killing FliesA woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.
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Post by rdywenur on Jul 6, 2007 16:21:09 GMT -7
Creation
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
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Pawian
European
Have you seen my frog?
Posts: 3,266
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Post by Pawian on Jul 10, 2007 21:56:29 GMT -7
It was a hormonal response !!! I have never experienced anything like that. How does it feel?
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Post by justjohn on Jul 11, 2007 19:10:32 GMT -7
It leaves you shivering. You feel completely naked.
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Pawian
European
Have you seen my frog?
Posts: 3,266
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Post by Pawian on Jul 12, 2007 0:14:46 GMT -7
It leaves you shivering. You feel completely naked. I think it must be a shiver of joy because when naked, you have no material constraints on you whatsoever and you feel like a free man! I think I will act like that one day on my my birthday!
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Post by kaima on Jul 12, 2007 14:35:18 GMT -7
Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Shreveport, La. refinery.
A Yankee applied for the same job.
Both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.
The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job".
Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"
The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but, rather, on the one question that you both missed."
Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba, it's like this.
On question No.4 the Yankee put down; "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."
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Post by kaima on Jul 12, 2007 14:36:46 GMT -7
A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared; "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!" The shopkeeper said with a sly smile; "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?" The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration; "RATS! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO..."
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Post by kaima on Jul 12, 2007 14:38:09 GMT -7
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story) - Don't mess with old people!!
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Post by kaima on Jul 13, 2007 0:32:59 GMT -7
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation of his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write “Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin..
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti".
Two with meatballs, one without! Request bread...
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Post by Jaga on Jul 13, 2007 15:46:56 GMT -7
Kai, good joke
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Post by kaima on Jul 14, 2007 11:28:33 GMT -7
A Texan walks into a pub in Galway , Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back" The room is quiet and no one is daft enough to take up the Texan's offer. Old Murphy gets up and quietly leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows up again and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good, mister?" asks Murphy. The Texan answers, "Yep," and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately, Murphy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back without so much as a pause or a hiccup. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If y'all don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" Murphy replies, "Oh................... I had to go to O'Reilly's bar down the street to see if I could do it.
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Post by kaima on Jul 14, 2007 14:50:18 GMT -7
Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, boss, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone... anyone... and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff. "Okay, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it." So, Bubba and his boss flew out to Hollywood and knocked on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise opened the door, and shouted, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Bubba's boss was still skeptical. After they left Cruise's house, he said, "I dunno, Bubba. I think you knowing Tom Cruise was just lucky." "No, no," Bubba answered. "Just name anyone else." "President Bush," his boss quickly retorted. "Yep," Bubba said, "I know him. Let's fly out to Washington ." So, off they went. At the White House, Bush spotted Bubba on the tour and motioned him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise! I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss was very shaken by this point, but still not totally convinced. After they left the White House grounds, he expressed his doubts to Bubba, who again implored him to name anyone else. "Okay," replied his boss. "The new Pope!" "Sure!" answered Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time." So, off they flew to Rome . Bubba and his boss were assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba said, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what... I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And with that, Bubba disappeared into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's. Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerged with the Pope on the balcony. By the time Bubba returned to the Square, he found that his boss had suffered a heart attack and was surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asked, "What happened?" His boss looked up at him and weakly responded, I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"
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Post by rdywenur on Jul 16, 2007 3:38:39 GMT -7
Acts 2:38 An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: "Stop! Acts 2:38!" Repent and be naptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.
The burglar stopped in his tracks.
The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."*
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38s!
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Post by kaima on Jul 16, 2007 16:40:10 GMT -7
Subject: Useful information
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from re-occurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her: "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
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