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Post by kaima on Jul 25, 2007 13:09:16 GMT -7
If Airlines Sold Paint This copyrighted satire was written by Alan Hess, owner of American International Travel, of Bountiful, Utah. It was first published in Travel Weekly, in October of 1998. ________________________________________ Buying paint from a hardware store ... Customer: Hi, how much is your paint? Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18. How many gallons would you like? Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please. Clerk: Great. That will be $60 plus tax. Buying paint from an airline ... Customer: Hi, how much is your paint? Clerk: Well, Sir that all depends. Customer: Depends on what? Clerk: Actually, a lot of things. Customer: How about giving me an average price? Clerk: Wow that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon. Customer: What's the difference in the paint? Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference, it's all the same paint. Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint. Clerk: Well, First I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it? Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off. Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is $200 paint. Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get $9 paint? Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday. Customer: You've got to be kidding! Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you. Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there. Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went up to $12. Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking? Clerk: Yes sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want? Customer: I don't know exactly ... maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough. Clerk: Oh, no sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have. Customer: What? Clerk: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the other bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs. Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all of the paint? I already paid you for it! Clerk: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all of the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems. Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until Sunday night? Clerk: Yes sir, it will. Customer: Well, that does it! I am going somewhere else to buy paint! Clerk: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. You might as well just buy it here, while the price is still $13.50. Thanks for flying - I mean painting - with our airline.
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Post by rdywenur on Jul 26, 2007 3:07:22 GMT -7
11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. 10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that 1 had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping .......
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Post by leslie on Jul 26, 2007 3:22:08 GMT -7
Chris (Rdy..) The way I heard it was 1 man and 10 blondes: the man gave the speech that he would go and the 10 blondes started clapping!! Leslie ;D
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Post by hollister on Jul 26, 2007 5:35:38 GMT -7
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky; what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo nuts. Someone stole tent."
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Post by kaima on Jul 26, 2007 9:35:34 GMT -7
The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been together for decades, bringing justice and law to the lawless west. One early morning as the Lone Ranger woke from his bedroll on the Prairie, he sat up and looked to the west - and up on the ridge he saw 1000 angry Indians in war paint. He nudged Tonto awake and together they looked again … and then to the south, up on the ridge, another 1000 angry Indians in war paint. Then the same to the west and the north! In all 4000 angry warriors surrounded them.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said “Well loyal friend, looks like we have come to the end of the trail together!
…Tonto replied: “What you mean ‘we’, White Man?”
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Post by rdywenur on Jul 28, 2007 10:52:28 GMT -7
Sex on Sunday
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced ages, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear and continued.... "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
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Post by rdywenur on Jul 29, 2007 4:40:37 GMT -7
Dormitory When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room
Presbyterian When you rearrange the letters: Best in Prayer
Astronomer When you rearrange the letters: Moon Starer
Desperation When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends it
The Eyes When you rearrange the letters: They See
George Bush When you rearrange the letters: He Bugs Core THE
The Morse Code When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots
Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in Me
Animosity When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity
Election Results When you rearrange the letters: Lies Let's Recount
Snooze Alarms When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's
A Decimal Point When you rearrange the letters: Im a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake
Eleven Plus Two When you rearrange the letters: Twelve Plus One
And for the Grand Finale!!!:
Mother-in-Law When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hilter
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Post by leslie on Jul 30, 2007 8:46:36 GMT -7
MEXICAN EARTHQUAKE
Mexican Earthquake
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Other Latin American countries are sending supplies. The European community (except France) is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.
God bless America!!!!
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Post by bescheid on Jul 30, 2007 12:04:25 GMT -7
Leslie
Pretty good, pretty good!! It would so seem as of France not very deserving of good will here of late...
Charles
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Post by rdywenur on Jul 30, 2007 16:20:17 GMT -7
Leslie...that is soooooooooooooo funny. ROFLMO ;D ;D ;D
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Post by rdywenur on Jul 31, 2007 5:54:49 GMT -7
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod?" This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot died."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"darn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat?" Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane?? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade r7 SuperQuad 460 Driver."
SILENCE............ LONG SILENCE..........
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep sh*t !!" _________________
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Post by justjohn on Aug 1, 2007 3:46:04 GMT -7
Bush Personal Library Destroyed 8-1-7 CRAWFORD, TX -- A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. The flood began in the presidential bathroom where both of the books were kept. Both books have been completely destroyed. A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated as he had almost finished coloring the second one. The White House tried to call FEMA but there was no answer. We will continue to keep you updated on this crisis. Update 8-1-7 WASHINGTON, DC -- Presidential press secretary Tony Snow just announced that the Emma T. Booker Elementary School in Sarasota, Florida, is sending President Bush a copy of his beloved book, "My Pet Goat", to hopefully assuage his grief over the recent tragic loss of his personal coloring book collection. Mrs. Daniels, the teacher who shared the stage with the President on that fateful morning of September 11, 2001, wrote a personal note to him on the inside cover of the book. Rumor has it that she advised the President to try reading the book, right side up.
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Post by rdywenur on Aug 2, 2007 14:01:20 GMT -7
Angels Explained by Children
I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold. Gregory, 5 Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it. Olive, 9 It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. Matthew, 9 Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. Mitchell, 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. Henry, 8 Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!! Leslie, 6 When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. Reagan, 10 Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. Sara, 6 Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. Jared, 8 All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it. Antonio, 9 My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. Katelynn, 9 Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it Vicki, 8 What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. Sarah, 7
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Post by hollister on Aug 3, 2007 12:23:29 GMT -7
The $99 Cruise
This blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!" She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."
The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating.
Another blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special cruise. She, too, is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.
Drifting into a stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first student asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?"
The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."
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Training the blonde An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
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Post by kaima on Aug 5, 2007 12:21:40 GMT -7
The Art Thief
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre museum.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, the art thief replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
Editor: And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to mail this. Well, I figure I have nothing Toulouse.
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