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Post by rdywenur on Aug 5, 2007 14:38:02 GMT -7
Kai...this was so cute and after reading this I just had to with laughter
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Post by Jaga on Aug 5, 2007 16:48:48 GMT -7
Kai,
very good. It took me a while to figure it out!
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Post by rdywenur on Aug 6, 2007 11:55:46 GMT -7
Curtain Rods She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/14th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and, within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home........ including the curtain rods. I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
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Post by rdywenur on Aug 7, 2007 4:45:10 GMT -7
The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in the city. The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix couldn't walk on the sidewalks or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to try to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.
One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. "I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me one million dollars and ask one question."
The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.
The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky. All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon. They gathered up behind the blue pigeon. The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.
The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful, miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons.
Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask, and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.
The man accepted the mo ney and told the mayor to ask his question.
The mayor asked:
"Do you have a Blue Mexican?"
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Post by kaima on Aug 7, 2007 12:03:13 GMT -7
Life in the Australian Army... Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a smalltown, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload! Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
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Post by hollister on Aug 10, 2007 11:12:37 GMT -7
Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
As his fame grew, people from all over the country were coming to him in MN for portraits.
One day while Ole was mowing the lawn, a beautiful woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. She said money was no object -- she was willing to pay him $50,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with Lena, Ollie asked the woman to wait while he went in the house and conferred with his missus.
In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."
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Post by rdywenur on Aug 10, 2007 12:33:44 GMT -7
Who's Yo Daddy? The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way ... Who's Yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out #11. It takes 1st prize & #3 is runner up.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you w/a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex w/a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone #? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area & see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex w/a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate & that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover & that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you & right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.
8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up w/him, can you ask him what he did w/my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time ... well, I don't have clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in & watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby. After all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
Yep, you guessed it right - you are all paying taxes to support them.
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Post by kaima on Aug 10, 2007 14:23:19 GMT -7
from a Scotsman who knows his animals:
A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"
The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was "dry" and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint.
The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey Koala!"
So the koala looked down at him and said,
"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude..... How much water did you drink?!!"
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Post by rdywenur on Aug 10, 2007 14:51:32 GMT -7
Good one Kai
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Post by rdywenur on Aug 12, 2007 23:08:52 GMT -7
This is not really a joke but it is the best one liner I have seen in awhile.
Question: What is your Favorite Book? Answer: The dictionary cause it has all the other books in it. ;D ;D
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Post by hollister on Aug 13, 2007 11:44:05 GMT -7
Because I'm a man...
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win. ____________________________________________________________ Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion. ____________________________________________________________ Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem. ____________________________________________________________ Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "tampons", "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. ____________________________________________________________ Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
____________________________________________________________ Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator instead (applies to engineers only) ____________________________________________________________ Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so just don't ask. ____________________________________________________________ Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't .. . . and if you are feeling amorous afterwards, then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others. ____________________________________________________________ Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too Either pair of shoes is fine, with the belt or without it, looks fine.
It does not make your ass look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now? ____________________________________________________________ Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
Like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.
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Post by hollister on Aug 14, 2007 5:59:10 GMT -7
Go to this link hip.popotam.us/ then click on the picture ---- hilarity will then ensue (possibly)
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Post by justjohn on Aug 16, 2007 6:34:37 GMT -7
Fairy TaleOne day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly, did not whine, nag, etc ........ But this was a long time ago..... and it was just ONE day. The End
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Post by kaima on Aug 21, 2007 18:03:32 GMT -7
To go like a real fisherman …. Sven the Swede, Paddy the Irishman and Stashu the Pole were good fishing buddies in Alaska and went fishing together every chance they got. One time Stash had to stay home and miss the weekend. Late Sunday night there was a knock on his door and there stood a grim faced Sven with the Alaska State Troopers. 'We ' re sorry Stash, but your fishing buddy Paddy disappeared from the boat Saturday night,’ said one trooper. 'Tell me! Did you find him?! ' Stash shouted. The troopers looked at each other and looked at Sven. Sven stepped up and said, ' We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first? ' Fearing the worst, an ashen Stashu said, ' Give me the bad news first.' Sven said, ' I ' m sorry to tell you, but this morning we found Paddy’s body in Kachemak Bay.' 'Oh my God! ' exclaimed Stash. Swallowing hard, he asked, ' What ' s the good news? ' Sven said, ' When we pulled him up, he had 12 twenty five pound king crabs and 6 good size Dungeness crabs clinging to him. ' Stunned, Stashu demanded, ' If that ' s the good news, what ' s the great news? ' Sven continued, ' We ' re going to pull him up again tomorrow.
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Post by bescheid on Aug 21, 2007 18:26:58 GMT -7
Haa, that was good Kai!!
I like those jokes. It would so seem the Irishman smelled of good supper time to the crabs....
Charles
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