Mary
Cosmopolitan
Posts: 934
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Post by Mary on Dec 18, 2008 15:47:50 GMT -7
If they are in vote them out! I was looking through my closet and found two pair of old size 12 work boots.. A suitable kiss goodbye for those dogs!! Thanks to my cultural awareness, I have found an Iraqi custom to adopt and assimilate into my own redneck culture. Before I let fly I will yell "Hey, Y'all watch this!" LOL Let me know when 'cause I want to be there!!!!
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Post by archivist on Dec 18, 2008 16:27:53 GMT -7
I'm sure that his office being swamped with mail is the only reason he apologised
Neville
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Post by elianna on Jan 2, 2009 9:03:49 GMT -7
Low self-esteem A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better. The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
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Post by archivist on Jan 2, 2009 11:16:13 GMT -7
Elianna,
I think that may have been my boss speaking; idiots usually rise to the top. I may have low esteem but he has no esteem. Please keep posting Elianna, you seem to possess a touch of common sense - have you been living on another planet? Most clear thinkers don't seem to inhabit this one!
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Post by karl on Jan 2, 2009 12:01:33 GMT -7
Low self-esteem A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better. The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers." Elianna Very good! May I offer to you, a very fine welcome on aboard the forum! You are new, and I must say, your entry was very well placed with your joke! But really, please do feel welcome... I am not the voice of the forum, but I am of the first to say: Hello! Karl
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Post by elianna on Jan 6, 2009 6:44:10 GMT -7
Romantic Pink Slip Dear __________________________,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply)
__ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
__ Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
__ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
__ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
__ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
__ Your breasts are bigger than mine.
__ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.
__ You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess. AMEN!
__ You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
__ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
__ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
__ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
__ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.
__ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
__ The fact that you categorize the ProBowler's Tour as 'Must See TV' demonstrated that you do not meet my intelligence requirements.
__ Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
__ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely,
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Post by redneck on Jan 6, 2009 16:10:18 GMT -7
Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.. Female...... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male...... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n . Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n. Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.! Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female..... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
In the interest of fairness...
He said, I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said . . You wear pants don't you?
He said . .. .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
She said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking? He said ..... . . They already have boyfriends.
He said .. Why are married women heavier than single women? She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
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Post by archivist on Jan 6, 2009 16:24:26 GMT -7
Tim,
You have excelled yourself this time. I particularly like items 6 & 7 in the male version and items 1 & 5 in the fairness version!
Neville
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Post by archivist on Jan 6, 2009 16:26:14 GMT -7
Elianna,
I never thought I'd laugh at a feminist joke but, as we say in England, that's a cracker! (complimentary)
Neville
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Post by dbkaczor on Jan 7, 2009 7:30:37 GMT -7
Elianna, thanks for the laugh. those are funny! i especially enjoyed 2,3,4 & 8, then 3 & 5. hilarious!
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Post by elianna on Jan 11, 2009 15:20:14 GMT -7
Thanks, Archivist and Dbkaczor!
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Post by archivist on Jan 17, 2009 14:46:43 GMT -7
I APOLOGISE IN ADVANCE TO ALL POLES. However, I couldn't help but find this funny. In the English Newspaper "The Northern Echo", yesterday, there was a story which I quote:
A crook tried to dodge a Police search by disguising himself as a carpet. The thief rolled himself up in a giant rug and propped himself up against a balcony wall while cops searched his aunt's flat (apartment) in Warsaw,Poland, after he held up a cosmetics shop. He was only found after a two hour search when a detective went out onto the balcony or a smoke and noticed the carpet was trembling. Miroslaw Dabrowski, 32, is now facing 12 years in jail for armed robbery.
So, smoking really is bad for you!!!
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